And the changes keep on coming.

Where am I going? I am drifting; I am floating.

I have been so uneasy for the past couple of weeks. A lot of big decisions had to be made, a lot of my basic assumptions about where I stood, and with who, began to crumble. Some walls rose, others fell. I knew, and I still very much understand, that a choice had to be made. I made a choice, I very much did. We are all very much in control of our "destinies", if you believe in such a thing. I don't. Although I'm still very unsure, I'm choosing not to regret it. After all, nothing is set in stone, nor is anything irreversible. I'm still not sure, in terms of the future, what this decision will mean for my relationships, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough, won't we?

I've, hopefully only temporarily, let go of someone more valuable to me than I'll ever fully realize. Why? I can't make sense of anything anymore. Every gut instinct tells me I'm letting go of what's real and true. Every gut instinct tells me I'm falling into the alpha-males always win statistic. Am I? Am I really? Any outsider would say yes. I humbly disagree. I've made a choice, but it does not dictate the rest of my life. I'm riding this crazy train wherever it plans to take me, and I'm very much in control of myself. I suppose I don't believe this train will last forever. I also suppose I don't think I'm really letting go.

A big part of me believes it's not for right now. It wouldn't be good now. It'd be like signing a death sentence. We are young, and if this experience has taught me anything, it's that we still have mistakes to make. We still have some time before our "futures" really become defined. From the past few weeks, the lingering impression that this was too soon only became more prominent and reinforced. The problems that were unnecessary- that were considerably devastating- took their toll. Now is simply not the time, nor is there a place for us.

I'm trying to live my life with no regrets, all mistakes welcome. I'm growing up; I'm consciously evolving. Yet, I still do ask myself, what about the future? I remind myself every time how ridiculous it is to ask that. I've decided the future will come when it comes, and I need not decide my life now. I suppose I'll apply the same logic I've been using for schoolwork. Every semester before this one, I'd fall behind and frantically try to catch up right before major exams. This semester, on the other hand, I've done an exceptional job keeping on schedule, and being midterm season now, I'm doing just fine. I didn't need to frantically study; I didn't need to cram. I was just ready. I'm going to apply this to life in general. I don't need to cram now, I won't need to cram later. I'm taking it one day at a time, one lesson at a time. The future is going to come, and I will just be ready. Life is beautiful and I'm not done enjoying every bit of it.

I hope I've left within you, the kind of beauty you've left within me. It's precious.