On a Quest

So I'm embarking on a journey to find more optimistic things I've written, or to make happier updates, because I don't want anyone to start worrying about my psychological well-being. I'm peachy, I promise. I'm going to start with this particular piece. As some general background information "wild mind" and "monkey mind" are zen buddhist concepts. Monkey mind is very anxious and unhappy. It's our inner critique and our personal barrier from inner peace. [other appropriate adjectives I ripped from the internet: unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable] Wild mind is the idealistic child that's usually hidden deep inside all of us. It's the most genuine part of us; it's raw, full of energy, alive and absolutely free. I cut out an introductory piece that led up to this but it really doesn't take anything away from the rest of it, so..

My “monkey mind” is a strong suppressor in a lot of my everyday interactions. It’s probably why I’m so bad at debating controversial topics – even ones I’m passionate about. But monkey mind has no power over my wild mind. My wild mind is free to roam on paper, and it knows. My wild mind has no constraints – I give it an endless field to frolic in, and the comfort of an accepting home to come back to in case it stumbles on uncharted, unfriendly territory. I think a lot, about a lot. I philosophize; I romanticize. I try and(I like to think) succeed at understanding the world around me. I understand that I keep a planner to feel more prepared, more aware of the future, and to decrease anxiety. The unknown makes me anxious. But I still appreciate it a lot. I’m scared, I suppose, of being negatively judged for being wrong. The more I am prepared, the less likely I am to have that outcome. I shouldn’t fear being wrong. No one should. Being wrong is the process to being right. In fact, who’s to say anything is wrong? Maybe it’s just creative. Maybe two plus two is five because I’m creatively thinking. Four is tangible; it’s mathematical; it’s factual. But life really isn’t. Life has that little chaos principle. It’s not supposed to make sense by a learnable pattern. Curiosity is such a human quality: to explore the wonders of the world, the universe, and instead of creatively thinking, freely thinking, we try to make a formula. A guide. I could make a formula too. For myself. It could be a boomerang, like karma: what goes around will inevitably come around. And that’s it. But sometimes it won’t come back around. Sometimes the boomerang will lose its way or get caught up in confusion. And that’s life. It’s not meant to follow a strategic formula. The future is a blank book. I’d like to fill the pages as I go. No, I don’t keep a planner to decrease the likelihood of being wrong. I keep a planner, I suppose then, to preserve the present, and to remember the past.

I've got three years worth of planners and I love it. I could look up exactly what I did and who I was with three years ago today. It's a lot of fun to look back on. Also, I don't know what to think of the choppy writing pattern. I did that a lot.