Where I Stood

Priorities.

2010-08-21T20:00:00.000-04:00

Priority (n) - the right to precede others in order, rank, privilege, etc.; precedence.

My ONLY priority is to surround myself with people who make me happy. If you aren't a priority, instead of attempting to bash me for it, try asking yourself why that is. Do you get it yet? I pray that one day you finally will.

In the air of the night.

2010-08-21T18:39:00.001-04:00

"Just because a friendship or relationship ends does not mean that the other person is a bad person. Nor does it mean that the other person is crazy. Nor does it mean that the other person never cared about you or any of those things we often say. It simply means that it wasn’t meant to work out and though it is horrible and unfortunate and sometimes heartbreaking, it’s not the end of the world. Other friends will come along, other boyfriends and girlfriends will come along. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. And that has to be okay. It has to be okay because otherwise what do we have?"

- Samantha Mott

Both of us cared, and both of us tried with all our hearts. So what do we say when even that wasn't enough to save us? What was it then? Was I not honest with how I felt? With all that I said? Were you not honest with how you felt? With all you said? One of us wasn't. That has to be it; One of us had to have lied. And I'll go as far as to say it wasn't me.

P.S. I have only one question left. Did you make any mention of what had been said? Was there a justified apology? A peace of mind? Did you choose people you could trust?

79 Things Irina Loves : Part One

2010-07-04T14:29:00.000-04:00

So, I've been compiling a list of things I love with no particular goal in mind. The hardest part wasn't finding things I loved, but coming up with appropriate categorical titles for everything. There's a lot more to it than just listing. To better understand what Im talking about, take a look.

The 79 Things Irina Loves: Not organized in order of importance (#1-21)

1. My Life Philosophy - "You do what you love, and fuck the rest."
synonymous to: Stay true to yourself; It's better to be hated for what you are, then to be loved for what you're not; because ultimately, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

2. Music - "If the music is too loud -- you're too old."
Synonymous to: Without music life would be a mistake (Nietzsche); Music is the universal language of mankind (Longfellow).

3. Song Lyrics - "I swear my brain is 70% song lyrics."
Synonymous to: Everything. If everything I ever quote isn't always song lyrics, then its song lyrics about 99.9% of the time. It isn't very unique of me, but it is the feelings I have whisking through my veins, expressed in words from another. To me, that's a moment. You both share that. The writer and the listener. We were looking for each other, and in those words we were found.

4. The Beatles - "Love is old, love is new; Love is all, love is you."
Synonymous to: There is absolutely nothing I could think of that is synonymous to the Beatles. Aside from David Tannenbaum, my unofficial second father, my mentor, the man who introduced me to both the Beatles and the guitar, and the most genuine human being I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

5. The Good Old Days - New York City, old and new.
Synonymous to: A blast from the past; kool-aid and orange soda, Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, Freaky Friday movies, reading the babysitters club books, The Berenstain Bears, lego's, Clay, Science Fair Projects, Spice girl lollipops. All that good, good good stuff.

6. Memories - "I Could be Nothing but a Memory to you."
Synonymous to: Life is short, cherish the moments for you never know how long they will last. Memories of how we felt are all we have. How ironic, since our memories are the most biased sources. Our brains store overlap our old memories with partly relevant new memories, changing them forever. And our new memories are skewed to a certain perception based entirely on our past memories. Loves it.

7. Photography - "We take photos of things we never want to forget."
Synonymous to: I want the ability to relive my life at any given point if I so feel like it. I can't express how thankful I am that I have so much saved in photographs, be in people, places, events, jokes, art, exhibits, moments, work. Everything. Saved in unbiased photographic memory.

8. Arts and Crafts - Heart shaped construction paper cut-outs.
Synonymous to: Cut and paste, glue, fold, construction paper, clay, crayons, doodles, 3D puzzles, scissors, thumb tacks, origami, paints, chalk to a sidewalk, markers, etc. Oh, the creativity.

9. Necklaces - Big, small, beady, chained; come one, come all. I love necklaces, I do. They are beautiful, creative, decorative, and accentuate an outfit. The longer the better, the more creative the better.

10. Oversized Rings - Like necklaces, I think oversized rings define an outfit. They are beautiful and beautiful and did I mention beautiful? I'll be a crazy grandma one day and my granddaughters will find a treasure chest full of oversized rings and necklaces. Plastic heaven.

11. Crossword Puzzles - 15 across, Happiness
Synonymous to: One of my all time favorite pastimes and my all time favorite hobby. I have consistently loved crossword puzzles like nothing else. At the start of every semester in college, when we had ice breakers to get to know our classmates and had to give mini introductions about ourselves, I would always mention that I loved crossword puzzles. There cannot be one without the other.

12. Coffee - "Everyone, I am having coffee."
Synonymous to: my lifeline, the blood in my veins, an external source of body heat. I love coffee. I love conversation over coffee. I like having a cup of coffee as I kill 15 minutes before a class starts. I like having a cup of coffee to wake myself up in the morning. I like having a cup of coffee to fall asleep with at night. I like a cup of coffee as I shop in the city. I like a cup of coffee almost always. I can't comprehend someone who doesn't like or drink coffee as religiously as I do.

13. Black and White cookies - Love on a heart shaped cookie.
Synonymous to: The best cookie in the world. I think its Jewish. Because everything phenomenal and genius is most commonly Jewish. I think of black and white cookies as very retro, and very delicious. So delicious, in fact, that it should be a crime. You could call me the black and white cookie monster.

14. Hookah - The caterpillar and his hookah from Alice in Wonderland.
It would take something like a talking blue caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland to introduce hookah to the general population. I might be going out on a limb here but I think it was thanks to his doing that the hookah craze lit up and ignited itself all up and down Brooklyn. And thank god for that. It's easy accessibility makes me a happy hookah fanatic.

15. Tattoos (Mmm,mm,mm!) - Mr. Sideburns with his beautiful tattooed sleeves.
Now, I understand that tattoos are not synonymous with 'mature' or 'adult' or 'classy', but in my heart of hearts, I think there is something beautiful and poetic in a tastefully done tattoo. Even if its big. Even if its not professional. This guys sleeves are beautiful. My entry into the world of tatoooed individuals is a'comin.

16. Dogs! Puppies! Dogs! - The most adorable action shot in the world.
Synonymous to: I FUCKING LOVE PUPPIES. I want a puppy :[ This is adorable. I want the unbiased, selfless, genuine love that exists between a dog and its owner. I want that bond. I wanna smell dog breath and have it lick my face all the time. I wanna buy it hats and make holiday greeting cards that I will annoyingly send to everyone I know. It will be a beautiful life.

17. Dancing - "Never miss a chance to dance."
Synonymous to: Dancing is great, especially if you have rhythm. But it's still great even if you don't. Especially if you're drunk. Every culture and every generation has its own way of dancing and its own trends. And all of them tell a story. I love my families dancing the most. Every aunt, uncle, and grandparent has a unique style all their own. And each style has various levels, depending on how drunk my relatives get. If that doesn't explain the worth of dancing, nothing will.

18. Smiling - "The universe is brought back from the brink of destruction every time you smile." I think the one thing that I especially love love love, LOVE about myself is my smile. If there is anything I have gotten the most compliments on in all of my life, it has been my smile. I use it now, mostly for good.. ( but sometimes for evil ;] ) I know that I could make any melancholy individual brighten up with a smile, or enhance someones already positive demeanor. I know that I could get out of sticky situations by making a coy comment and smiling. I know that I could brighten the world immediately around me, by remembering to smile. It's a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing.

19. Honesty - A funny scene from Glee.
Honesty is especially difficult, because its such a subjective concept. We could be strict and unmoving with what we label as honest or dishonest, or we could be very fluid. To one person, a white lie is necessary to maintain a balance, to another, a white lie is as bad as a misdemeanor, and even yet to another, a white lie could be equivalent to the biggest sign of disrespect or a felony. I like honesty, but I think it's not always available to us. And we will always have our reasons and our justifications. This world isn't perfect, I understand that.

20. Happiness - "Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."
Synonymous to: Live and let live. Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. It is internal, so do not try to find it externally. You could, and often times you will, but that happiness that you will find will never fully integrate itself, and one day it will leave you. Most of us develop insecurities and trust issues because of this. It's nobody's fault but ours. Love yourself, and the world around you will do the same.

21. Sleeping - "Sleep the day away." It isn't until you unwillingly lose the ability to sleep however much you want that you realize how valuable sleep is. Before I started working two jobs and volunteering, I didn't sleep much anyway. The difference then was it happened to be a choice. I didn't sleep because I was excited for possibilities for something else. Afterward, I lost all sleep, and the most exciting part of my days was the train rides I would power nap on. Weekends did not differentiate from week days in any way, and as I walked out of my house every Saturday and Sunday morning, I spited every slumberous head that lay on a comfortable white pillow. It's true what they say about not knowing what you have until its gone.

Momentary.

2010-06-30T02:00:00.000-04:00

But the problem with me was that as soon as I started thinking about getting it together, I got this mad craving desire to fuck it up.

-Rebecca Godfrey

Marital Wows.

2010-06-30T01:55:00.000-04:00

kekekeke. So silly.

FUCK. YES.

2010-06-19T06:05:00.001-04:00

It ends tonight.

2010-06-17T23:35:00.001-04:00

Everyone sees her but nobody knows her. She screams in her pillow for a better tomorrow. She hates it, but she fakes it, watch out for that girl - one day she will change the world.

Tomato Juice!

2010-06-02T10:24:00.000-04:00

I don't know who came up with the show, but Hoarders is the best show on television. From a laugh-your-ass-off, this-is-ridiculous, oh-my-dear-sweet-jesus point of view, as well as from an educational perspective, this show is DOPE. Yesterday I was watching an episode and there was a scene where this woman was describing her morning routine, which includes taking a bottle of TOMATO JUICE TO TO THE FACE. I can't stop laughing about this. Thank you, TLC.

California, here we come.

2010-05-31T15:05:00.000-04:00

This IS for you, tuts.

Maybe this explains everything.

2010-05-17T11:36:00.000-04:00

It's become a lot easier to express my own thoughts through others words. In the beginning, I had essays worth of ideas, comments, and revelations. When did I become so tired of myself?

Shake Em Loose Tonight

2010-05-15T18:50:00.000-04:00

Amazing scene and amazing song.
Love, love, love, love!

So tell me,

2010-05-15T01:06:00.001-04:00

Why do some of you still need reminding?

SO SO GOOD.

2010-05-12T10:35:00.000-04:00

Cinco de Mayo.

2010-05-05T12:47:00.000-04:00

Forget men, I'd rather deal with tequila.

Drake, my husband, does it again.

2010-05-05T10:41:00.000-04:00

"I’m more than just a number; I doubt you’ll find another.
So every single summer, I'll be the one that you remember."

Killing it, killing it, killing it.

If only...

2010-04-29T23:23:00.001-04:00

I think I'd definitely go to Pharmacy school now if this were the case.

Getting Better At Being Human

2010-04-09T16:21:00.000-04:00

Can I, can I save you from you?

He was always more than a friend.

2010-02-06T15:15:00.000-05:00

That's Not Your Fairytale.

2010-01-02T07:53:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, it was simple. If you liked somebody, you let ‘em know. And if you didn’t, you let ‘em know. One way or another, you knew where you stood. But as you get older, communication gets more… complicated.

-The Wonder Years

Delicate.

2009-09-27T16:13:00.000-04:00

and I never felt so wicked as when I willed our love to die.

Long Pauses

2009-08-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

Gaps in between posts, I should have long come to realize, either signify exceptionally good or exceptionally bad periods in my life. I suppose this one is exceptionally good. Exceptionally neutral, which in fact is exceptionally good.

So, briefly: I'm smiling; My mind isn't racing; The fall semester is upon us; I've just lived through some of the most impressive amounts of drinking I had yet to experience; I'm reading a lot; I have a second job; I've weeded through some friends; made some wise evaluations, and now while I might not have fully come to understand some things, I have come to terms with most of them.

"I said to her what Ed said to me, which was why do we make it all seem like a crisis, over and over again? Why do we worry it all to death, like dogs with socks or chew-toys? 'Look at it this way,' he said to me. 'In a hundred years? -All new people.'"

Life.

2009-07-25T03:20:00.000-04:00

Life is about cherishing experiences and the people within them, and learning from them, and living them. Truly living them. It doesn't always work out like a fairy tale, but its beautiful regardless because its real, because its ours.

Starting Up.

2009-07-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Last night, as I lay in bed, I thought about a lot of the people who have walked in and out of my life within the past two years. I thought about how quickly it feels this year has gone by, yet how it seemed to drag just a few short months ago. I thought about how relative everything is. I thought about how beautiful my outlook is; how much stronger I've become. I know I've become a more beautiful, understanding, and accepting person. I don't need anyone else to confirm that for me anymore.

The Good Side

2009-07-19T16:38:00.001-04:00

And the good news is that nothing is going to be over that doesn't need to be over. I think.

2009-07-15T03:39:00.001-04:00

"Our story has three parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And although this is the way all stories unfold, I still can’t believe that ours didn’t go on forever."

I read that and it stung. I thought I knew why but I'm not particularly sure anymore.

Giddy.

2009-07-09T11:24:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday to me. Hehehe.
I feel fresh.

To feel like this.

2009-06-26T02:30:00.000-04:00

Im running circles in my mind; as much as I want to, there's an uneasiness that takes over if I stop. It hurts to feel this alone. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want anyone to think I've lost the will to turn over a new leaf. I think that's actually what Im doing.

Toning down the melodrama.

2009-06-22T02:03:00.000-04:00

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it was, and the future less resolved than it will be".
Marcel Pagnol

Dare I say it again, I'm turning over a new leaf.

Late Night Thoughts: Ruminating Edition.

2009-06-20T02:29:00.001-04:00

This darkness, i could never show. I don't know how i got here and there's nothing i want more than to get out. I know what i've got to do, but my will power is gone. It's been gone for a while now. It's as if cosmic forces are actually working against me. I want time to stop and fast forward all at once. Ugh.

Dead Ends

2009-06-18T00:22:00.000-04:00

So, here are some questions that haven't really found their answers yet. Why do I repeat the mistakes I keep telling myself I've already learned? Why do we push away the people who care the most? Why is it so hard to remove yourself from something youre emotionally invested in, just for a moment? Why does it seem like nobody and everybody wants you all at the same time? Why is it when you need someone, no one is ever there? What happens if our naivety never dissipates? What's the difference between naivety and genuine optimism? Who benefits from my failures? How do I turn my brain off?

Here We Go.

2009-05-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

I'm coming back; I hope the wait was bearable. On the bright side, I think my posts will be full of newly earned wisdom.

Hands down.

2009-03-29T21:20:00.000-04:00

Lykke Li and Drake - Little Bit Remix; aaa-mazing.

La vie en Rose.

2009-03-29T21:02:00.001-04:00

This could tell so many interesting stories.

Strength.

2009-03-29T02:03:00.000-04:00

"Although I cried through much of the first session, Jim remained calm and at the end offered some hope. First, he asked me the question, "What holds you together?""

What holds me together? Really, what is it? I've gotten this far somehow. Sometimes I think it's being so lost in myself that's pulled me through, but that cant be the only thing. I suppose hope, promise. Some dumb predisposed ability to withstand a lot of beatings and somehow still come out eager for the next big lesson.

There seems to be no other viable option. I want to know how the story ends, so I've got to tough it out.

Brighter Days.

2009-03-26T01:05:00.000-04:00

I've heard of the calm before the storm, but how about the storm before the calm?

I started this for you.

2009-03-21T02:02:00.000-04:00

You, who are my soul.

On a Quest

2009-03-20T12:32:00.001-04:00

So I'm embarking on a journey to find more optimistic things I've written, or to make happier updates, because I don't want anyone to start worrying about my psychological well-being. I'm peachy, I promise. I'm going to start with this particular piece. As some general background information "wild mind" and "monkey mind" are zen buddhist concepts. Monkey mind is very anxious and unhappy. It's our inner critique and our personal barrier from inner peace. [other appropriate adjectives I ripped from the internet: unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable] Wild mind is the idealistic child that's usually hidden deep inside all of us. It's the most genuine part of us; it's raw, full of energy, alive and absolutely free. I cut out an introductory piece that led up to this but it really doesn't take anything away from the rest of it, so..

My “monkey mind” is a strong suppressor in a lot of my everyday interactions. It’s probably why I’m so bad at debating controversial topics – even ones I’m passionate about. But monkey mind has no power over my wild mind. My wild mind is free to roam on paper, and it knows. My wild mind has no constraints – I give it an endless field to frolic in, and the comfort of an accepting home to come back to in case it stumbles on uncharted, unfriendly territory. I think a lot, about a lot. I philosophize; I romanticize. I try and(I like to think) succeed at understanding the world around me. I understand that I keep a planner to feel more prepared, more aware of the future, and to decrease anxiety. The unknown makes me anxious. But I still appreciate it a lot. I’m scared, I suppose, of being negatively judged for being wrong. The more I am prepared, the less likely I am to have that outcome. I shouldn’t fear being wrong. No one should. Being wrong is the process to being right. In fact, who’s to say anything is wrong? Maybe it’s just creative. Maybe two plus two is five because I’m creatively thinking. Four is tangible; it’s mathematical; it’s factual. But life really isn’t. Life has that little chaos principle. It’s not supposed to make sense by a learnable pattern. Curiosity is such a human quality: to explore the wonders of the world, the universe, and instead of creatively thinking, freely thinking, we try to make a formula. A guide. I could make a formula too. For myself. It could be a boomerang, like karma: what goes around will inevitably come around. And that’s it. But sometimes it won’t come back around. Sometimes the boomerang will lose its way or get caught up in confusion. And that’s life. It’s not meant to follow a strategic formula. The future is a blank book. I’d like to fill the pages as I go. No, I don’t keep a planner to decrease the likelihood of being wrong. I keep a planner, I suppose then, to preserve the present, and to remember the past.

I've got three years worth of planners and I love it. I could look up exactly what I did and who I was with three years ago today. It's a lot of fun to look back on. Also, I don't know what to think of the choppy writing pattern. I did that a lot.

He said, she said.

2009-03-19T02:12:00.000-04:00

I've been digging up old stuff I've written again. I found this. It's interesting because I held onto this ideal for a very long time, and I realize I've sort of fallen back into old habits. Worst part is I'm all too aware of what I'm doing. I just don't have the capacity to deal with more than I absolutely need to, so I find myself disregarding people I don't think understand me, or who don't know me. I still believe in the general message, idealistically, but I realize being human also excuses our tendencies to be avoidant of conflict. I wrote this while reading Karen Horney's biography. I remembered this when we were discussing her in my English class. I really like digging in the past.

We play a lot of games. I’ve never realized how sadistic we are as human beings. We don’t need to have half the confrontations, conflicts and struggles that we do. In fact, we shouldn’t. The kind of “he said, she said” that engulfs a majority of our adolescent lives, the “I don’t know if I like you or not, if ill date you or not. Who will I date?” shenanigans – its all selfish, irrational thought processes we engage in purely out of boredom and inconsideration for the feelings we all, as thoughtful human beings, share. How many people actually grasp the kind of hurt, confusion, pain, anxiety and sadness that they instill in others through these childish acts? How many people truly stop to consider what their actions force other people to emotionally endure? We have all heard “oh, do you know what so-and-so said about you?” or “its not you, its me” or “I need some space. You’re suffocating me,” once, at least, in our lives. And it hurts, its confused us; its changed us. It’s made us wary, untrusting. Yet, knowing the horrible and avoidable consequences, we do it to others as well. We prolong decisions, put off actions, making any real decisions. We might do it because we’re scared, or unsure, but each moment passed affects more than just us. We’re all real people: real people with real feelings, feelings that we, as human beings, should consider. We must, ideally. We have real hearts, that, given we have not experienced too much of this kind of child-play, are delicate, untainted, unguarded and pure. There is, and never was, no need for the kind of altercations that are, sadly, so common to us. All of this pain, all of this hurt. I’m not innocent of this crime. I am guilty. I have been guilty time and time again and I now shamefully recognize the errors I have continually made. And my biggest regret is simply in making them. We are all human beings with feelings, with thought. We are capable of rationalizing and choosing suitable paths that don’t shamelessly, uselessly hurt others around us. Yet I’m not saying hurt is completely avoidable. I don’t think it is, but we make a lot of stupid decisions (or lack of) that lead to completely avoidable conflicts. Our lives are big soap operas. That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t be that way. Not at all. We all feel. I feel. You feel. I hurt. You hurt. Sugarcoating hurts most. Avoidance hurts most. Failure to make up your mind hurts most. Just live and let live.

September 2008

Oh, and sugarcoating is pretty necessary sometimes.

Check, please.

2009-03-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

I want to blow this up and put it on my wall.

Today

2009-03-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

(credit: fabrizio-infrared)

It's a year today. Im still making terribly painful choices in every effort not to turn back. Choices, choices, choices. That's all it is. I'm so tired; my mind is always racing. Think of how many people we know, and how many of them don't know the half of us.

Doubt

2009-03-05T00:35:00.000-05:00

(photo credits: fives)

I think I'm done with the winter. It's really been wearing me down lately. The other day I was talking to a friend and I mentioned feeling insignificant. He tried to assure me that I wasn't, but I was too set in my self-deprecating ways to hear him. I'm not, I know this. As with everything in life, there will always be things ahead of us and trailing behind us. There are things less significant; there are plenty of things more significant, and that should be just fine. It's part of the bigger picture, the grand scheme of things.

I tried believing there wasn't a meaning behind it all but it felt like I was lying to myself. I'm choosing bliss, even if it's in ignorance.

With Grace

2009-02-27T15:37:00.000-05:00

and all I kept thinking was will anyone else ever love me like that again?

So, it should go without saying that I am hopelessly addicted to Starbucks coffee. They're little 'The Way I See It' stories are a lot of fun. I read this one the other day and it got me thinking:

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating in work, in play, in love. The act that frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

Is that what I'm falling to? Am I letting the barrier win? I ration that I'm still young enough to make mistakes. It'd be wiser to make them now then later. My mother told me recently that, in her valued opinion, the magic number is 24. By the time someone reaches that age, they will basically know what they want and what they need. Before then, it would be foolish to hold steadfast to any standard or ideal, for it will likely crumble. She's right in a lot of ways, I'm sure. The sort of adversities that are promised at young adulthood supply unbelievably heavy burdens to bare. Anything in its path is threatened. If I have love now, I will wait until after the storm has passed. That's what makes sense to me now.

Just Fine

2009-02-27T02:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I worry; I worry about anything and everything. Aimlessly, it seems, because I don't usually get anywhere. I tell myself it's okay, somehow life always has a way of working itself out. Then I realize I only say that to calm myself down.

Welcome to Heartbreak

2009-02-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

I think I love Kanye West, but only for his loyalties to Kid Cudi.

On and Off

2009-02-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

(photo credits: postsecret )

A lot of people around me are getting in and out of relationships with their exes. I've always hated the back and forth of on and off relationships. It seems so avoidable, so childish. I have an amazing ex-boyfriend. I'm torn when I think of him, all the time. We've been broken up for 3 months now, going on 4. That's such a short time; That's such a long time. Our relationship has its own back and forths, it's a roller coaster of emotions. I know we had an alright relationship, a big part of me believes if we tried again it truly would be better. Yet something still holds me back. Why does it seem that everyone else can't resist? Why am I capable? Is it a flaw or a blessing? I truly wish I understood.

If I Know You

2009-02-16T18:13:00.000-05:00

What a song, what a song. If I could narrow the myriad of thoughts jumbling in my mind into a defining theme, it'd be something like "I am part of all I have known". That's this song: all I have known.

And the changes keep on coming.

2008-10-16T01:25:00.000-04:00

Where am I going? I am drifting; I am floating.

I have been so uneasy for the past couple of weeks. A lot of big decisions had to be made, a lot of my basic assumptions about where I stood, and with who, began to crumble. Some walls rose, others fell. I knew, and I still very much understand, that a choice had to be made. I made a choice, I very much did. We are all very much in control of our "destinies", if you believe in such a thing. I don't. Although I'm still very unsure, I'm choosing not to regret it. After all, nothing is set in stone, nor is anything irreversible. I'm still not sure, in terms of the future, what this decision will mean for my relationships, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough, won't we?

I've, hopefully only temporarily, let go of someone more valuable to me than I'll ever fully realize. Why? I can't make sense of anything anymore. Every gut instinct tells me I'm letting go of what's real and true. Every gut instinct tells me I'm falling into the alpha-males always win statistic. Am I? Am I really? Any outsider would say yes. I humbly disagree. I've made a choice, but it does not dictate the rest of my life. I'm riding this crazy train wherever it plans to take me, and I'm very much in control of myself. I suppose I don't believe this train will last forever. I also suppose I don't think I'm really letting go.

A big part of me believes it's not for right now. It wouldn't be good now. It'd be like signing a death sentence. We are young, and if this experience has taught me anything, it's that we still have mistakes to make. We still have some time before our "futures" really become defined. From the past few weeks, the lingering impression that this was too soon only became more prominent and reinforced. The problems that were unnecessary- that were considerably devastating- took their toll. Now is simply not the time, nor is there a place for us.

I'm trying to live my life with no regrets, all mistakes welcome. I'm growing up; I'm consciously evolving. Yet, I still do ask myself, what about the future? I remind myself every time how ridiculous it is to ask that. I've decided the future will come when it comes, and I need not decide my life now. I suppose I'll apply the same logic I've been using for schoolwork. Every semester before this one, I'd fall behind and frantically try to catch up right before major exams. This semester, on the other hand, I've done an exceptional job keeping on schedule, and being midterm season now, I'm doing just fine. I didn't need to frantically study; I didn't need to cram. I was just ready. I'm going to apply this to life in general. I don't need to cram now, I won't need to cram later. I'm taking it one day at a time, one lesson at a time. The future is going to come, and I will just be ready. Life is beautiful and I'm not done enjoying every bit of it.

I hope I've left within you, the kind of beauty you've left within me. It's precious.

I'm still avoidant

2008-09-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

I've grown a lot in terms of fearing the future. It seems I jump at risks and changes with absolute certainty now. And why not? There's nothing to fear. Nothing is ever really final. It isn't set in stone. Coming to that realization is wonderfully empowering. Live and let live, and enjoy.

Written sometime in March, 2008

I dont understand why my basic instinct is to run when something begins to settle, to become a serious part of me. It makes no difference whether it be good or bad; I can't handle any of it. I fear letting go, emotionally. I fear investing. I never put myself out there. Maybe it's because I fear rejection, but I don't think so. I fear the 'finalness' of it. I fear making a final decision in case I make a mistake. I don't want to regret anything. Ultimately, I know that life choices can't be mistakes, just paths you chose over others. Yet somehow I'm still scared. I'm still avoidant.

Young Love

2008-09-15T22:58:00.000-04:00

I suppose, with hindsight, that not only has my writing style improved dramatically in such a short time, but my opinions are much more refined. It's silly re-reading this. I know what I was writing between the lines. At the same time, my goals are still similar. I'm still my first priority, and it most definitely isn't selfish. And, to be perfectly honest, I surely was a victim of that small-minded mentality; I did want a relationship just to understand what the hype was about. It's all just a fantastical ideal. A beautiful dream to attempt to achieve, just so long as you prepare yourself for an eventual letdown. But reality isn't so ugly anyway. I actually prefer it. There's just so much beauty in imperfection.

Written 3-20-2008

I've also been experiencing a lot of young love lately. As Marc( my guru) pointed out recently, and many others pointed out before him, it seems kids [or young adults, rather] nowadays are very eager to get into "serious", "committed", "long-term" "relationships". I quote all of these words for specific reasons. "Serious" because how serious can we be at this age? "Committed" because how many of us cheat? "Long-term" because perspective changes that time-span, and "relationship" because clearly, if we're forcing ourselves into it for the sake of being in a relationship, its not authentic. My high school mentor once told me that when it comes to individuals, to people, two halves don't make a whole. It takes two complete, two consciously aware individuals to make a whole. Dennis wasn't whole, and while I understand I have much more room to personally grow upon, I still believe I'm much closer to self-actualization. That's the goal, ultimately. I sit and philosophize about the world as I see it; as I understand it; as I encounter it. I interpret it; I introject it; I define it after I break it up to its very core.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm a victim of the wanting to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship mentality. Because that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? That's the point of socializing. It's the ultimate end to all of our means. But I'm not desperate, I know I'm not. I know I want something real and genuine and I won't settle for anything less. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel worthy or complete. I don't need someone elses approval. I continue to try to win my own. I don't think it's selfish, but I prioritize. I am my first priority. Me and my responsibilities. School, work, saving money, setting up my life. Deciding / finding a path, getting a license, a car, getting a full-time job, moving out of my parents house. All crucial, but all not rushed.

So I suppose we need an Introduction

2008-09-15T00:28:00.000-04:00

Introductions; they're a formal presentation of whats to come. Had I a more refined understanding of what is to come, I'd be sure to formally present it to you here, but to be perfectly honest I haven't a clue. I want everything that I've ever written down here. That's the goal; that's the purpose. Every little note, every little memo, every essay, every paragraph, ever sentence that had some heart- I want it here and together. Dated, organized, understood.

So, the first question would be who, exactly, am I? Well, for starters, my name is Irina. I'm 20 years old. I'm a full-time college student, majoring in Psychology. I have a part-time job at a learning Center and am working on starting another part-time job doing one-on-one private tutoring. I live with my parents and my younger brother, Steven. My mother has been a tremendous influence on me. I was born in Ukraine and moved to Brooklyn when I was 5 years old. My immigrant upbringing has had a tremendous influence on me. I have, for most of my life, understood myself to be Jewish. That too, has had a tremendous influence on me. But the most tremendous influence of all has been Love. Love has changed me, for better and for worse. It continues to change me. Who I am, all of these things, and what I think lead an unmistakably intertwined path. I'm no one special. My words hold no significance to you, yet they mean everything to me. I only wish to understand.