He said, she said.

I've been digging up old stuff I've written again. I found this. It's interesting because I held onto this ideal for a very long time, and I realize I've sort of fallen back into old habits. Worst part is I'm all too aware of what I'm doing. I just don't have the capacity to deal with more than I absolutely need to, so I find myself disregarding people I don't think understand me, or who don't know me. I still believe in the general message, idealistically, but I realize being human also excuses our tendencies to be avoidant of conflict. I wrote this while reading Karen Horney's biography. I remembered this when we were discussing her in my English class. I really like digging in the past.

We play a lot of games. I’ve never realized how sadistic we are as human beings. We don’t need to have half the confrontations, conflicts and struggles that we do. In fact, we shouldn’t. The kind of “he said, she said” that engulfs a majority of our adolescent lives, the “I don’t know if I like you or not, if ill date you or not. Who will I date?” shenanigans – its all selfish, irrational thought processes we engage in purely out of boredom and inconsideration for the feelings we all, as thoughtful human beings, share. How many people actually grasp the kind of hurt, confusion, pain, anxiety and sadness that they instill in others through these childish acts? How many people truly stop to consider what their actions force other people to emotionally endure? We have all heard “oh, do you know what so-and-so said about you?” or “its not you, its me” or “I need some space. You’re suffocating me,” once, at least, in our lives. And it hurts, its confused us; its changed us. It’s made us wary, untrusting. Yet, knowing the horrible and avoidable consequences, we do it to others as well. We prolong decisions, put off actions, making any real decisions. We might do it because we’re scared, or unsure, but each moment passed affects more than just us. We’re all real people: real people with real feelings, feelings that we, as human beings, should consider. We must, ideally. We have real hearts, that, given we have not experienced too much of this kind of child-play, are delicate, untainted, unguarded and pure. There is, and never was, no need for the kind of altercations that are, sadly, so common to us. All of this pain, all of this hurt. I’m not innocent of this crime. I am guilty. I have been guilty time and time again and I now shamefully recognize the errors I have continually made. And my biggest regret is simply in making them. We are all human beings with feelings, with thought. We are capable of rationalizing and choosing suitable paths that don’t shamelessly, uselessly hurt others around us. Yet I’m not saying hurt is completely avoidable. I don’t think it is, but we make a lot of stupid decisions (or lack of) that lead to completely avoidable conflicts. Our lives are big soap operas. That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t be that way. Not at all. We all feel. I feel. You feel. I hurt. You hurt. Sugarcoating hurts most. Avoidance hurts most. Failure to make up your mind hurts most. Just live and let live.

September 2008

Oh, and sugarcoating is pretty necessary sometimes.