I've grown a lot in terms of fearing the future. It seems I jump at risks and changes with absolute certainty now. And why not? There's nothing to fear. Nothing is ever really final. It isn't set in stone. Coming to that realization is wonderfully empowering. Live and let live, and enjoy.
Written sometime in March, 2008
I dont understand why my basic instinct is to run when something begins to settle, to become a serious part of me. It makes no difference whether it be good or bad; I can't handle any of it. I fear letting go, emotionally. I fear investing. I never put myself out there. Maybe it's because I fear rejection, but I don't think so. I fear the 'finalness' of it. I fear making a final decision in case I make a mistake. I don't want to regret anything. Ultimately, I know that life choices can't be mistakes, just paths you chose over others. Yet somehow I'm still scared. I'm still avoidant.
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