Young Love

I suppose, with hindsight, that not only has my writing style improved dramatically in such a short time, but my opinions are much more refined. It's silly re-reading this. I know what I was writing between the lines. At the same time, my goals are still similar. I'm still my first priority, and it most definitely isn't selfish. And, to be perfectly honest, I surely was a victim of that small-minded mentality; I did want a relationship just to understand what the hype was about. It's all just a fantastical ideal. A beautiful dream to attempt to achieve, just so long as you prepare yourself for an eventual letdown. But reality isn't so ugly anyway. I actually prefer it. There's just so much beauty in imperfection.

Written 3-20-2008

I've also been experiencing a lot of young love lately. As Marc( my guru) pointed out recently, and many others pointed out before him, it seems kids [or young adults, rather] nowadays are very eager to get into "serious", "committed", "long-term" "relationships". I quote all of these words for specific reasons. "Serious" because how serious can we be at this age? "Committed" because how many of us cheat? "Long-term" because perspective changes that time-span, and "relationship" because clearly, if we're forcing ourselves into it for the sake of being in a relationship, its not authentic. My high school mentor once told me that when it comes to individuals, to people, two halves don't make a whole. It takes two complete, two consciously aware individuals to make a whole. Dennis wasn't whole, and while I understand I have much more room to personally grow upon, I still believe I'm much closer to self-actualization. That's the goal, ultimately. I sit and philosophize about the world as I see it; as I understand it; as I encounter it. I interpret it; I introject it; I define it after I break it up to its very core.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm a victim of the wanting to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship mentality. Because that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? That's the point of socializing. It's the ultimate end to all of our means. But I'm not desperate, I know I'm not. I know I want something real and genuine and I won't settle for anything less. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel worthy or complete. I don't need someone elses approval. I continue to try to win my own. I don't think it's selfish, but I prioritize. I am my first priority. Me and my responsibilities. School, work, saving money, setting up my life. Deciding / finding a path, getting a license, a car, getting a full-time job, moving out of my parents house. All crucial, but all not rushed.