Hands down.

Lykke Li and Drake - Little Bit Remix; aaa-mazing.

La vie en Rose.

This could tell so many interesting stories.

Strength.

"Although I cried through much of the first session, Jim remained calm and at the end offered some hope. First, he asked me the question, "What holds you together?""

What holds me together? Really, what is it? I've gotten this far somehow. Sometimes I think it's being so lost in myself that's pulled me through, but that cant be the only thing. I suppose hope, promise. Some dumb predisposed ability to withstand a lot of beatings and somehow still come out eager for the next big lesson.

There seems to be no other viable option. I want to know how the story ends, so I've got to tough it out.

Brighter Days.

I've heard of the calm before the storm, but how about the storm before the calm?

I started this for you.

You, who are my soul.

On a Quest

So I'm embarking on a journey to find more optimistic things I've written, or to make happier updates, because I don't want anyone to start worrying about my psychological well-being. I'm peachy, I promise. I'm going to start with this particular piece. As some general background information "wild mind" and "monkey mind" are zen buddhist concepts. Monkey mind is very anxious and unhappy. It's our inner critique and our personal barrier from inner peace. [other appropriate adjectives I ripped from the internet: unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable] Wild mind is the idealistic child that's usually hidden deep inside all of us. It's the most genuine part of us; it's raw, full of energy, alive and absolutely free. I cut out an introductory piece that led up to this but it really doesn't take anything away from the rest of it, so..

My “monkey mind” is a strong suppressor in a lot of my everyday interactions. It’s probably why I’m so bad at debating controversial topics – even ones I’m passionate about. But monkey mind has no power over my wild mind. My wild mind is free to roam on paper, and it knows. My wild mind has no constraints – I give it an endless field to frolic in, and the comfort of an accepting home to come back to in case it stumbles on uncharted, unfriendly territory. I think a lot, about a lot. I philosophize; I romanticize. I try and(I like to think) succeed at understanding the world around me. I understand that I keep a planner to feel more prepared, more aware of the future, and to decrease anxiety. The unknown makes me anxious. But I still appreciate it a lot. I’m scared, I suppose, of being negatively judged for being wrong. The more I am prepared, the less likely I am to have that outcome. I shouldn’t fear being wrong. No one should. Being wrong is the process to being right. In fact, who’s to say anything is wrong? Maybe it’s just creative. Maybe two plus two is five because I’m creatively thinking. Four is tangible; it’s mathematical; it’s factual. But life really isn’t. Life has that little chaos principle. It’s not supposed to make sense by a learnable pattern. Curiosity is such a human quality: to explore the wonders of the world, the universe, and instead of creatively thinking, freely thinking, we try to make a formula. A guide. I could make a formula too. For myself. It could be a boomerang, like karma: what goes around will inevitably come around. And that’s it. But sometimes it won’t come back around. Sometimes the boomerang will lose its way or get caught up in confusion. And that’s life. It’s not meant to follow a strategic formula. The future is a blank book. I’d like to fill the pages as I go. No, I don’t keep a planner to decrease the likelihood of being wrong. I keep a planner, I suppose then, to preserve the present, and to remember the past.

I've got three years worth of planners and I love it. I could look up exactly what I did and who I was with three years ago today. It's a lot of fun to look back on. Also, I don't know what to think of the choppy writing pattern. I did that a lot.

He said, she said.

I've been digging up old stuff I've written again. I found this. It's interesting because I held onto this ideal for a very long time, and I realize I've sort of fallen back into old habits. Worst part is I'm all too aware of what I'm doing. I just don't have the capacity to deal with more than I absolutely need to, so I find myself disregarding people I don't think understand me, or who don't know me. I still believe in the general message, idealistically, but I realize being human also excuses our tendencies to be avoidant of conflict. I wrote this while reading Karen Horney's biography. I remembered this when we were discussing her in my English class. I really like digging in the past.

We play a lot of games. I’ve never realized how sadistic we are as human beings. We don’t need to have half the confrontations, conflicts and struggles that we do. In fact, we shouldn’t. The kind of “he said, she said” that engulfs a majority of our adolescent lives, the “I don’t know if I like you or not, if ill date you or not. Who will I date?” shenanigans – its all selfish, irrational thought processes we engage in purely out of boredom and inconsideration for the feelings we all, as thoughtful human beings, share. How many people actually grasp the kind of hurt, confusion, pain, anxiety and sadness that they instill in others through these childish acts? How many people truly stop to consider what their actions force other people to emotionally endure? We have all heard “oh, do you know what so-and-so said about you?” or “its not you, its me” or “I need some space. You’re suffocating me,” once, at least, in our lives. And it hurts, its confused us; its changed us. It’s made us wary, untrusting. Yet, knowing the horrible and avoidable consequences, we do it to others as well. We prolong decisions, put off actions, making any real decisions. We might do it because we’re scared, or unsure, but each moment passed affects more than just us. We’re all real people: real people with real feelings, feelings that we, as human beings, should consider. We must, ideally. We have real hearts, that, given we have not experienced too much of this kind of child-play, are delicate, untainted, unguarded and pure. There is, and never was, no need for the kind of altercations that are, sadly, so common to us. All of this pain, all of this hurt. I’m not innocent of this crime. I am guilty. I have been guilty time and time again and I now shamefully recognize the errors I have continually made. And my biggest regret is simply in making them. We are all human beings with feelings, with thought. We are capable of rationalizing and choosing suitable paths that don’t shamelessly, uselessly hurt others around us. Yet I’m not saying hurt is completely avoidable. I don’t think it is, but we make a lot of stupid decisions (or lack of) that lead to completely avoidable conflicts. Our lives are big soap operas. That’s ridiculous. It shouldn’t be that way. Not at all. We all feel. I feel. You feel. I hurt. You hurt. Sugarcoating hurts most. Avoidance hurts most. Failure to make up your mind hurts most. Just live and let live.

September 2008

Oh, and sugarcoating is pretty necessary sometimes.

Check, please.

I want to blow this up and put it on my wall.

Today

(credit: fabrizio-infrared)

It's a year today. Im still making terribly painful choices in every effort not to turn back. Choices, choices, choices. That's all it is. I'm so tired; my mind is always racing. Think of how many people we know, and how many of them don't know the half of us.

Doubt

(photo credits: fives)

I think I'm done with the winter. It's really been wearing me down lately. The other day I was talking to a friend and I mentioned feeling insignificant. He tried to assure me that I wasn't, but I was too set in my self-deprecating ways to hear him. I'm not, I know this. As with everything in life, there will always be things ahead of us and trailing behind us. There are things less significant; there are plenty of things more significant, and that should be just fine. It's part of the bigger picture, the grand scheme of things.

I tried believing there wasn't a meaning behind it all but it felt like I was lying to myself. I'm choosing bliss, even if it's in ignorance.