And the changes keep on coming.

Where am I going? I am drifting; I am floating.

I have been so uneasy for the past couple of weeks. A lot of big decisions had to be made, a lot of my basic assumptions about where I stood, and with who, began to crumble. Some walls rose, others fell. I knew, and I still very much understand, that a choice had to be made. I made a choice, I very much did. We are all very much in control of our "destinies", if you believe in such a thing. I don't. Although I'm still very unsure, I'm choosing not to regret it. After all, nothing is set in stone, nor is anything irreversible. I'm still not sure, in terms of the future, what this decision will mean for my relationships, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough, won't we?

I've, hopefully only temporarily, let go of someone more valuable to me than I'll ever fully realize. Why? I can't make sense of anything anymore. Every gut instinct tells me I'm letting go of what's real and true. Every gut instinct tells me I'm falling into the alpha-males always win statistic. Am I? Am I really? Any outsider would say yes. I humbly disagree. I've made a choice, but it does not dictate the rest of my life. I'm riding this crazy train wherever it plans to take me, and I'm very much in control of myself. I suppose I don't believe this train will last forever. I also suppose I don't think I'm really letting go.

A big part of me believes it's not for right now. It wouldn't be good now. It'd be like signing a death sentence. We are young, and if this experience has taught me anything, it's that we still have mistakes to make. We still have some time before our "futures" really become defined. From the past few weeks, the lingering impression that this was too soon only became more prominent and reinforced. The problems that were unnecessary- that were considerably devastating- took their toll. Now is simply not the time, nor is there a place for us.

I'm trying to live my life with no regrets, all mistakes welcome. I'm growing up; I'm consciously evolving. Yet, I still do ask myself, what about the future? I remind myself every time how ridiculous it is to ask that. I've decided the future will come when it comes, and I need not decide my life now. I suppose I'll apply the same logic I've been using for schoolwork. Every semester before this one, I'd fall behind and frantically try to catch up right before major exams. This semester, on the other hand, I've done an exceptional job keeping on schedule, and being midterm season now, I'm doing just fine. I didn't need to frantically study; I didn't need to cram. I was just ready. I'm going to apply this to life in general. I don't need to cram now, I won't need to cram later. I'm taking it one day at a time, one lesson at a time. The future is going to come, and I will just be ready. Life is beautiful and I'm not done enjoying every bit of it.

I hope I've left within you, the kind of beauty you've left within me. It's precious.

I'm still avoidant

I've grown a lot in terms of fearing the future. It seems I jump at risks and changes with absolute certainty now. And why not? There's nothing to fear. Nothing is ever really final. It isn't set in stone. Coming to that realization is wonderfully empowering. Live and let live, and enjoy.

Written sometime in March, 2008

I dont understand why my basic instinct is to run when something begins to settle, to become a serious part of me. It makes no difference whether it be good or bad; I can't handle any of it. I fear letting go, emotionally. I fear investing. I never put myself out there. Maybe it's because I fear rejection, but I don't think so. I fear the 'finalness' of it. I fear making a final decision in case I make a mistake. I don't want to regret anything. Ultimately, I know that life choices can't be mistakes, just paths you chose over others. Yet somehow I'm still scared. I'm still avoidant.

Young Love

I suppose, with hindsight, that not only has my writing style improved dramatically in such a short time, but my opinions are much more refined. It's silly re-reading this. I know what I was writing between the lines. At the same time, my goals are still similar. I'm still my first priority, and it most definitely isn't selfish. And, to be perfectly honest, I surely was a victim of that small-minded mentality; I did want a relationship just to understand what the hype was about. It's all just a fantastical ideal. A beautiful dream to attempt to achieve, just so long as you prepare yourself for an eventual letdown. But reality isn't so ugly anyway. I actually prefer it. There's just so much beauty in imperfection.

Written 3-20-2008

I've also been experiencing a lot of young love lately. As Marc( my guru) pointed out recently, and many others pointed out before him, it seems kids [or young adults, rather] nowadays are very eager to get into "serious", "committed", "long-term" "relationships". I quote all of these words for specific reasons. "Serious" because how serious can we be at this age? "Committed" because how many of us cheat? "Long-term" because perspective changes that time-span, and "relationship" because clearly, if we're forcing ourselves into it for the sake of being in a relationship, its not authentic. My high school mentor once told me that when it comes to individuals, to people, two halves don't make a whole. It takes two complete, two consciously aware individuals to make a whole. Dennis wasn't whole, and while I understand I have much more room to personally grow upon, I still believe I'm much closer to self-actualization. That's the goal, ultimately. I sit and philosophize about the world as I see it; as I understand it; as I encounter it. I interpret it; I introject it; I define it after I break it up to its very core.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm a victim of the wanting to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship mentality. Because that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? That's the point of socializing. It's the ultimate end to all of our means. But I'm not desperate, I know I'm not. I know I want something real and genuine and I won't settle for anything less. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel worthy or complete. I don't need someone elses approval. I continue to try to win my own. I don't think it's selfish, but I prioritize. I am my first priority. Me and my responsibilities. School, work, saving money, setting up my life. Deciding / finding a path, getting a license, a car, getting a full-time job, moving out of my parents house. All crucial, but all not rushed.

So I suppose we need an Introduction

Introductions; they're a formal presentation of whats to come. Had I a more refined understanding of what is to come, I'd be sure to formally present it to you here, but to be perfectly honest I haven't a clue. I want everything that I've ever written down here. That's the goal; that's the purpose. Every little note, every little memo, every essay, every paragraph, ever sentence that had some heart- I want it here and together. Dated, organized, understood.

So, the first question would be who, exactly, am I? Well, for starters, my name is Irina. I'm 20 years old. I'm a full-time college student, majoring in Psychology. I have a part-time job at a learning Center and am working on starting another part-time job doing one-on-one private tutoring. I live with my parents and my younger brother, Steven. My mother has been a tremendous influence on me. I was born in Ukraine and moved to Brooklyn when I was 5 years old. My immigrant upbringing has had a tremendous influence on me. I have, for most of my life, understood myself to be Jewish. That too, has had a tremendous influence on me. But the most tremendous influence of all has been Love. Love has changed me, for better and for worse. It continues to change me. Who I am, all of these things, and what I think lead an unmistakably intertwined path. I'm no one special. My words hold no significance to you, yet they mean everything to me. I only wish to understand.